Saturday, February 23, 2019
Sunday, October 22, 2017
Not in the driver's seat
I have been sitting in the passenger seat of my life for quite a while as I gave my life over to Christ. But, I keep forgetting that I'm not in the driver seat. I want to have control over what is going on and where my life is heading. So, I adjust the seat, I turn the air up and then back down. I change the radio station, and adjust the mirrors in order to get a new perspective on things. When I'm still not satisfied, I call family and friends and discuss my position in the passenger seat - completely ignoring the driver. When I realize this, I am embarrassed and I slowly turn to try and face Him. But, I can't completely. "Hi", I say.
"Hey", he says.
"Dear Lord" (is that how I should address him)? "So, where are we going?"
"Just Enjoy now," he let's me know, "Don't worry about the Future".
"Well Dear Lord, I am really sorry for trying to be in control and leaving you out of my focus."
"Just enjoy this time with me now, don't worry about the past."
"Ok, so, it's a pretty day! Thank you for making it!" I glance over and noticed he is wearing sunglasses and has the window rolled down. "Dear Lord, you're cool!" "Thanks", he says, "I invented cool." We laugh. He rolls down my window and The Wind rushes around me, waking me up to now. I breathe deeply, smile and am at perfect peace as we carry on together.
"Hey", he says.
"Dear Lord" (is that how I should address him)? "So, where are we going?"
"Just Enjoy now," he let's me know, "Don't worry about the Future".
"Well Dear Lord, I am really sorry for trying to be in control and leaving you out of my focus."
"Just enjoy this time with me now, don't worry about the past."
"Ok, so, it's a pretty day! Thank you for making it!" I glance over and noticed he is wearing sunglasses and has the window rolled down. "Dear Lord, you're cool!" "Thanks", he says, "I invented cool." We laugh. He rolls down my window and The Wind rushes around me, waking me up to now. I breathe deeply, smile and am at perfect peace as we carry on together.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sitting with Maw-maw
Maw-maw, also known as Myrtie Mae is such a sweet spirit. She can not hear that well so it takes time and patience to exchange thoughts but once you do the effort is well worth it. She is a lady who is always praising, laughing and finding the good in others. Myrtie Mae strives to "please the Lord" in everything she does and that is how I have always viewed her; always in the Bible or blessing the food, talking about Jesus and always willing to learn something new. Being willing to learn at the age of 86 is an amazing, beautiful act. She has so much wisdom beneath her lips to those who will listen. She would tell you otherwise, because she is so humble, but listen and watch.
I have never seen faith or really understood it until the other night when I was sitting with her in my room. A family conflict has been going on for quite a while and she wanted so badly to mend the wound. I could see the distress on her face as she was told that she would not be seeing her daughter and daughter's family yet another Christmas. After she got off the phone she seemed not to understand why they were not coming. A few minutes later she received a call that brightened her blue eyes up and made her giddy with delight;
"They're cominnggg!" she yelled "This is answer to prayer, Thank you, God!"
After a thought and thanksgiving she said ..."Now let's just pray everything goes well!" I laughed, and we prayed for joy, peace and love to fill the house on that Christmas celebration day. I looked back up at her and she said. "I know it will be, I know it, praise God."
She never allowed doubt or worry to enter her mind. She has faith in the good. She prays for the good and "knows," never giving into self-control but allows God to work in her life. Watching Myrtie Mae go though conflict has taught me never to doubt, but to "know" and have a little faith.
"The Lord replied, "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you!" -Jesus [Luke 17:6]
I have learned such a valuable lesson by watching my grandmother go though conflict. She broke her foot in 7 different places and never complained. She just recently lost her second husband, and has assurance that she will see him again one day. Her life is smooth, not because nothing bad ever happens to her but because she has faith, true faith. Thank you Maw-maw for the lesson that you never knew you taught.
P.S. The Christmas celebration was full of joy, peace and love.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Tilt
Life gets harder as I get older.
When I was in the 5th grade at Pecan Park Elementary in Ocean Springs I was all a little girl should be. I would sit on my daddy's lap and let him read to me or I would pretend I was interested in a Brave's game on TV while drifting off to sleep in his arms. I would ask for my my rag doll (SweetPea) which I have had since the day I was born before leaving for a sleep-over at a friend's house. My mom made me play the piano for thirty minutes after school each day before I went out to play, and this was the biggest of my responsibilites. Caitlin, my childhood best friend, would sit on a big pillow waiting for me to finish practicing so we could go PLAY! We made up all kinds of games, our creativity was endless. The Animal game: If you got to be a 'good-guy' you could pick any animal you could imagine; a leopard, a monkey, a zebra, dog or kangaroo. But, if you were the 'bad guy' you were automatically an alligator who had to chase and capture all the other animals and drag them into your den for dinner! My cousins and I would always make up dances, play with Barbies, play 'beauty-shop' or 'school' the fun never stopped there was always an adventure ready at hand, or at least in our minds!
Then came 5th grade where I was told by my friends that I could not bring my dolls to school anymore because it was "not cool." I sadly left them behind and pushed all of my childhood fancies aside for dances at the YMCA. Girls in my choir group started shaving their legs and I felt the pressure. Everyone else had shaved their legs and shown them off at recess. I had to shave my legs and so the next day at recess I announced that I had done it, I had shaved the thin wisps of hair off my skinny legs and in order to prove it. I ripped through my opec panty hose (that I had to wear for choir days) to prove my woman-hood. WAIT! WHAT?!
My parents and brother left for a ski vacation with the church youth group and left me alone with my grandparents over Christmas break to ponder all these new happenings and changes in my life. I would lie in bed with my Momo and ask her what she did when she was a little girl. She would tell me tales of building forts and running in the woods. I liked to do that, too but I felt all of that had to be put away, like my dolls. I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried the next day and everyone thought it was because my family was away. They returned and I continued to cry, rather mourn my childhood. I calculated how old I would be in the year 2000... 16 years old! I would be driving a car and probably (actually) drinking for my first time! I knew what I was about to step into was different, scary and not as pure as where I had been. Boys were becoming a part of my friends and I daily dicision. I cried all through Christmas break and while I was at school I would cry when I had to write the changing of the year on my paper. I didn't want it to be 1993; I wanted it to still be 1992! I didn't want to grow up! I didn't want to leave child-hood. My parents wanted to bring me to a counselor. My mom suggested spanking me to get me to "straighten-up." So, I got my one and only spanking of my life. My dad used a plastic ruler and gave me three good swatts on the bottom. Then, he hugged me, told me he loved me and that he never wanted to do that again. The spanking helped; for a little while I didn't cry but an hour later as I was lying in bed with my mom I could feel the tears and fear creeping in ... "Mom," I said, "I think I need another spanking!"
Sixth grade at Taconni was awesome, I made friends, had fun dancing at "Shenanigan's" - the new hangout, and started wearing blush and mascara. I went though junior high and high school without a flinch. I never cried, never. My friends always thought this was so amazing but I guess I got it all out during my month of mourning.
Then, senior year came and we were at the last football game of the season. We had just cheered for St. Martin and lost (I think). I was reluctant to board the bus, hugging my friends, lingering, smelling the cut grass and sweat; knowing this was my last time, last game, last dance. I sat alone on the bus because the tears were coming. I tried to push them back but they flowed down my face. Nichole and Leila ran to the front of the bus to find me red faced and wet and started cheering; "Natalie's crying!!!" and they took a picture!
Again, left high school and friends and made my way to Mississippi State University. I made friends, really a friend for the first 4 years; Ashleigh. We had so much fun getting into trouble (the innocent kind that keeps you feeling alive). I made other friends and learned a lot about life and love and what I want out of life (so I thought). After I finished my degree in International Business I decided that wasn't what I wanted to I continued the college lifestyle without the school. I helped my brother, Kirk and Mickie (my sister, now) with their four little ones. Mickie had twins after having two boys. At the time they were born they had four under the age of four! I then went and worked as an assistant for special needs children and loved connecting with them and watching them grow. I decided to go back to get my teaching certificate. I traveled to Spain to see a close friend before they passed on and learned more important lessons in life. The most important thing he said was; "trust in yourself and God will never leave you." Truly revolutionary.
I had to trust in myself. I followed my heart and took a seasonal job in Vermont. That work has proven to be the most beneficial for me spiritually. It was truly a beautiful time of solitude, hard work, friendship and understanding of the simple life. I enjoyed the beauty that nature offered so peacefully and abundantly.
Now, I have been working in a Smoothie Shop in Birmingham, Alabama still trying to make sense of this life. I have secured a job teaching Spanish in Heidelberg, Mississippi and again I am looking into my future with fear and tears. This is another a-pex of life, one where leaving this care-free lifestyle will now be full of responsibility, schedules and big decisions. Here I go, I'm jumping in, maybe I need a push. I'll hold my breath and wait to surface. Do I want to get married, have a house (which I think is a fine resemblance of a box), have children???!!!!
Again, I am lying in bed wondering where I will be in five years, ten... and it scares me!
When I was in the 5th grade at Pecan Park Elementary in Ocean Springs I was all a little girl should be. I would sit on my daddy's lap and let him read to me or I would pretend I was interested in a Brave's game on TV while drifting off to sleep in his arms. I would ask for my my rag doll (SweetPea) which I have had since the day I was born before leaving for a sleep-over at a friend's house. My mom made me play the piano for thirty minutes after school each day before I went out to play, and this was the biggest of my responsibilites. Caitlin, my childhood best friend, would sit on a big pillow waiting for me to finish practicing so we could go PLAY! We made up all kinds of games, our creativity was endless. The Animal game: If you got to be a 'good-guy' you could pick any animal you could imagine; a leopard, a monkey, a zebra, dog or kangaroo. But, if you were the 'bad guy' you were automatically an alligator who had to chase and capture all the other animals and drag them into your den for dinner! My cousins and I would always make up dances, play with Barbies, play 'beauty-shop' or 'school' the fun never stopped there was always an adventure ready at hand, or at least in our minds!
Then came 5th grade where I was told by my friends that I could not bring my dolls to school anymore because it was "not cool." I sadly left them behind and pushed all of my childhood fancies aside for dances at the YMCA. Girls in my choir group started shaving their legs and I felt the pressure. Everyone else had shaved their legs and shown them off at recess. I had to shave my legs and so the next day at recess I announced that I had done it, I had shaved the thin wisps of hair off my skinny legs and in order to prove it. I ripped through my opec panty hose (that I had to wear for choir days) to prove my woman-hood. WAIT! WHAT?!
My parents and brother left for a ski vacation with the church youth group and left me alone with my grandparents over Christmas break to ponder all these new happenings and changes in my life. I would lie in bed with my Momo and ask her what she did when she was a little girl. She would tell me tales of building forts and running in the woods. I liked to do that, too but I felt all of that had to be put away, like my dolls. I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried the next day and everyone thought it was because my family was away. They returned and I continued to cry, rather mourn my childhood. I calculated how old I would be in the year 2000... 16 years old! I would be driving a car and probably (actually) drinking for my first time! I knew what I was about to step into was different, scary and not as pure as where I had been. Boys were becoming a part of my friends and I daily dicision. I cried all through Christmas break and while I was at school I would cry when I had to write the changing of the year on my paper. I didn't want it to be 1993; I wanted it to still be 1992! I didn't want to grow up! I didn't want to leave child-hood. My parents wanted to bring me to a counselor. My mom suggested spanking me to get me to "straighten-up." So, I got my one and only spanking of my life. My dad used a plastic ruler and gave me three good swatts on the bottom. Then, he hugged me, told me he loved me and that he never wanted to do that again. The spanking helped; for a little while I didn't cry but an hour later as I was lying in bed with my mom I could feel the tears and fear creeping in ... "Mom," I said, "I think I need another spanking!"
Sixth grade at Taconni was awesome, I made friends, had fun dancing at "Shenanigan's" - the new hangout, and started wearing blush and mascara. I went though junior high and high school without a flinch. I never cried, never. My friends always thought this was so amazing but I guess I got it all out during my month of mourning.
Then, senior year came and we were at the last football game of the season. We had just cheered for St. Martin and lost (I think). I was reluctant to board the bus, hugging my friends, lingering, smelling the cut grass and sweat; knowing this was my last time, last game, last dance. I sat alone on the bus because the tears were coming. I tried to push them back but they flowed down my face. Nichole and Leila ran to the front of the bus to find me red faced and wet and started cheering; "Natalie's crying!!!" and they took a picture!
Again, left high school and friends and made my way to Mississippi State University. I made friends, really a friend for the first 4 years; Ashleigh. We had so much fun getting into trouble (the innocent kind that keeps you feeling alive). I made other friends and learned a lot about life and love and what I want out of life (so I thought). After I finished my degree in International Business I decided that wasn't what I wanted to I continued the college lifestyle without the school. I helped my brother, Kirk and Mickie (my sister, now) with their four little ones. Mickie had twins after having two boys. At the time they were born they had four under the age of four! I then went and worked as an assistant for special needs children and loved connecting with them and watching them grow. I decided to go back to get my teaching certificate. I traveled to Spain to see a close friend before they passed on and learned more important lessons in life. The most important thing he said was; "trust in yourself and God will never leave you." Truly revolutionary.
I had to trust in myself. I followed my heart and took a seasonal job in Vermont. That work has proven to be the most beneficial for me spiritually. It was truly a beautiful time of solitude, hard work, friendship and understanding of the simple life. I enjoyed the beauty that nature offered so peacefully and abundantly.
Now, I have been working in a Smoothie Shop in Birmingham, Alabama still trying to make sense of this life. I have secured a job teaching Spanish in Heidelberg, Mississippi and again I am looking into my future with fear and tears. This is another a-pex of life, one where leaving this care-free lifestyle will now be full of responsibility, schedules and big decisions. Here I go, I'm jumping in, maybe I need a push. I'll hold my breath and wait to surface. Do I want to get married, have a house (which I think is a fine resemblance of a box), have children???!!!!
Again, I am lying in bed wondering where I will be in five years, ten... and it scares me!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
destructive humans
All types of life; animals, plants, humans, fish, and flowers are sacred and serve a purpose. We, the human race, believe that everything is subject to our needs and desires. We don't understand the impact we are having on the world around us and inevitably ourselves. When I see a mounted deer on the wall or a dead opossum on the side of the road, I feel pain. I feel sad not only for the deer with glassed over eyes hanging on the wall but mostly for the humans. Humans have lost themselves, lost their sensitivity to life and love and replaced it with facades of happiness.
Last week I had to water flowers and had to drag hoses across club house lawns and streets. When I returned to my hose after turning the water on there was a rabbit lying in my hose path; dead. This jolted me to see him up close with his guts hanging out. All he wanted to do was get to the other side, maybe back to his burrow but because humans have to drive around in 2 ton pieces of metal his heart was squashed. I personally have ran over a squirrl and I am sure countless other species that I am unaware of but never dealt with the consequences, instead of scraping the corpse off the street and burrying it, I drive away sad, singing a derdge to the lost one. But that rabbit and I were personnally connected at that moment and I had to take responsibility and embrace the fact that I killed this rabbit as I burried him in the woods.
Most humans don't even consider the impact that the gasoline alone has on people and the environment all around the world. Why? Why can't humans use their legs? When the 'settlers' first arrived in the Americas they used to ride on Native Americans backs. So, it's not human beings... because the Natives and other indigenous tribes did not live like this... it's the 'westernized human.' I want to minimize my impact on the earth, maybe even try to help it and tend to it as it is instructed from the beginning, a type of natural law:
"And God said, "See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food. Also, to every beast of the earth , to every bird of the air and to everything that creeps on the earth in which there is life, I have given every green herb for food" and so it was so. -Genesis 1:30-31
So, NOTHING is supposed to eat meat? in a perfect world?! Think of the cattle and chicken industry, how we treat them so inhumanely for our quarter pounders and chicken nuggets... disgusting! Maybe it's just lack of knowledge and not lack of compassion? When God told us to have "dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on earth" I think he was putting us in charge of taking care of LIFE! What a wonderful, fulfilling job! There is so much death and destruction of LIFE with pavement and shopping malls, houses, desires, and fake things all around. BUT, there are cracks in the sidewalk that can bring forth the most beautiful flower and that means that there is HOPE if we humans become sensitve to LIFE and LOVE of all!
Last week I had to water flowers and had to drag hoses across club house lawns and streets. When I returned to my hose after turning the water on there was a rabbit lying in my hose path; dead. This jolted me to see him up close with his guts hanging out. All he wanted to do was get to the other side, maybe back to his burrow but because humans have to drive around in 2 ton pieces of metal his heart was squashed. I personally have ran over a squirrl and I am sure countless other species that I am unaware of but never dealt with the consequences, instead of scraping the corpse off the street and burrying it, I drive away sad, singing a derdge to the lost one. But that rabbit and I were personnally connected at that moment and I had to take responsibility and embrace the fact that I killed this rabbit as I burried him in the woods.
Most humans don't even consider the impact that the gasoline alone has on people and the environment all around the world. Why? Why can't humans use their legs? When the 'settlers' first arrived in the Americas they used to ride on Native Americans backs. So, it's not human beings... because the Natives and other indigenous tribes did not live like this... it's the 'westernized human.' I want to minimize my impact on the earth, maybe even try to help it and tend to it as it is instructed from the beginning, a type of natural law:
"And God said, "See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food. Also, to every beast of the earth , to every bird of the air and to everything that creeps on the earth in which there is life, I have given every green herb for food" and so it was so. -Genesis 1:30-31
So, NOTHING is supposed to eat meat? in a perfect world?! Think of the cattle and chicken industry, how we treat them so inhumanely for our quarter pounders and chicken nuggets... disgusting! Maybe it's just lack of knowledge and not lack of compassion? When God told us to have "dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on earth" I think he was putting us in charge of taking care of LIFE! What a wonderful, fulfilling job! There is so much death and destruction of LIFE with pavement and shopping malls, houses, desires, and fake things all around. BUT, there are cracks in the sidewalk that can bring forth the most beautiful flower and that means that there is HOPE if we humans become sensitve to LIFE and LOVE of all!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
prayer
the infinite being, the everlasting, the great 'i am' speaks english! he also speaks all the other utterances of all other beings. this is an incredible personal relationship that we are able to have with the great 'i am' and also the most important. i must be honest, lately my prayers have been non-existent because i was not sure if my message was being sent across space and in the language of this infinite being. tonight i was presented a beautiful new thought: we are not only in the same kingdom as god... "ye are gods"-jesus... we are down to the same species of god! amazing that i have never given this thought but in the cat family there are many types of cats... bobcats, cougars, lions, and house cats, but they cannot procreate with oneanother, they must procreate with their specific species. the virgin birth of jesus by mary, a common girl, special indeed but by no means any more or less human than any of us was able to procreate with the great 'i am' and their very human child, jesus came to show us how we as children of god can live and what is the best way for us to live... AMAZING... i'm sure i didn't do this justice with the excitement i feel about this very personal holy relationship i am able to have with the everlasting right now... he's here with us... in us.... not 'up there' far far away but here... i feel so comforted and thank you, father for being so compassionate and loving and personal.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I’m sitting in a public park in Denver. I’m not sure if I’m too fond of cities or its inhabitants. People seem to share an aura. The more people there are in a given place, the less amiable they seem to be. The other fault in cities is the omnipresence of death. They seem to ignore the fact that the majority of surroundings replaced the life of this area. In exchange the occasional sanctuary of properly placed, planted and maintained gardens. I’d call it complaining if it weren’t easier the other way.
I’m sitting on the 16th mall street in Denver beside one of the greater jazz sax players I’ve seen. It’s amazing that so many thousands of people can stroll by to the next purchasable pleasure and totally ignore this free pleasure. 5 minutes of compete bliss, the problem isn’t lack of entertainment or things to do, it’s lack of self. Street musicians are like no other. In this complete stillness of structure I finally found the spark of city life. And I sit with 2 others who understand that there is nothing right about this man living a moment of agony able to bring so much good. I’ve lost sight completely of what everyone is desperately trying to achieve. How much simpler and happier could life be?
I’m sitting on the 16th mall street in Denver beside one of the greater jazz sax players I’ve seen. It’s amazing that so many thousands of people can stroll by to the next purchasable pleasure and totally ignore this free pleasure. 5 minutes of compete bliss, the problem isn’t lack of entertainment or things to do, it’s lack of self. Street musicians are like no other. In this complete stillness of structure I finally found the spark of city life. And I sit with 2 others who understand that there is nothing right about this man living a moment of agony able to bring so much good. I’ve lost sight completely of what everyone is desperately trying to achieve. How much simpler and happier could life be?
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