Tilt

Life gets harder as I get older.

When I was in the 5th grade at Pecan Park Elementary in Ocean Springs I was all a little girl should be. I would sit on my daddy's lap and let him read to me or I would pretend I was interested in a Brave's game on TV while drifting off to sleep in his arms. I would ask for my my rag doll (SweetPea) which I have had since the day I was born before leaving for a sleep-over at a friend's house. My mom made me play the piano for thirty minutes after school each day before I went out to play, and this was the biggest of my responsibilites. Caitlin, my childhood best friend, would sit on a big pillow waiting for me to finish practicing so we could go PLAY! We made up all kinds of games, our creativity was endless. The Animal game: If you got to be a 'good-guy' you could pick any animal you could imagine; a leopard, a monkey, a zebra, dog or kangaroo. But, if you were the 'bad guy' you were automatically an alligator who had to chase and capture all the other animals and drag them into your den for dinner! My cousins and I would always make up dances, play with Barbies, play 'beauty-shop' or 'school' the fun never stopped there was always an adventure ready at hand, or at least in our minds!

Then came 5th grade where I was told by my friends that I could not bring my dolls to school anymore because it was "not cool." I sadly left them behind and pushed all of my childhood fancies aside for dances at the YMCA. Girls in my choir group started shaving their legs and I felt the pressure. Everyone else had shaved their legs and shown them off at recess. I had to shave my legs and so the next day at recess I announced that I had done it, I had shaved the thin wisps of hair off my skinny legs and in order to prove it. I ripped through my opec panty hose (that I had to wear for choir days) to prove my woman-hood. WAIT! WHAT?!

My parents and brother left for a ski vacation with the church youth group and left me alone with my grandparents over Christmas break to ponder all these new happenings and changes in my life. I would lie in bed with my Momo and ask her what she did when she was a little girl. She would tell me tales of building forts and running in the woods. I liked to do that, too but I felt all of that had to be put away, like my dolls. I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried the next day and everyone thought it was because my family was away. They returned and I continued to cry, rather mourn my childhood. I calculated how old I would be in the year 2000... 16 years old! I would be driving a car and probably (actually) drinking for my first time! I knew what I was about to step into was different, scary and not as pure as where I had been. Boys were becoming a part of my friends and I daily dicision. I cried all through Christmas break and while I was at school I would cry when I had to write the changing of the year on my paper. I didn't want it to be 1993; I wanted it to still be 1992! I didn't want to grow up! I didn't want to leave child-hood. My parents wanted to bring me to a counselor. My mom suggested spanking me to get me to "straighten-up." So, I got my one and only spanking of my life. My dad used a plastic ruler and gave me three good swatts on the bottom. Then, he hugged me, told me he loved me and that he never wanted to do that again. The spanking helped; for a little while I didn't cry but an hour later as I was lying in bed with my mom I could feel the tears and fear creeping in ... "Mom," I said, "I think I need another spanking!"

Sixth grade at Taconni was awesome, I made friends, had fun dancing at "Shenanigan's" - the new hangout, and started wearing blush and mascara. I went though junior high and high school without a flinch. I never cried, never. My friends always thought this was so amazing but I guess I got it all out during my month of mourning.

Then, senior year came and we were at the last football game of the season. We had just cheered for St. Martin and lost (I think). I was reluctant to board the bus, hugging my friends, lingering, smelling the cut grass and sweat; knowing this was my last time, last game, last dance. I sat alone on the bus because the tears were coming. I tried to push them back but they flowed down my face. Nichole and Leila ran to the front of the bus to find me red faced and wet and started cheering; "Natalie's crying!!!" and they took a picture!

Again, left high school and friends and made my way to Mississippi State University. I made friends, really a friend for the first 4 years; Ashleigh. We had so much fun getting into trouble (the innocent kind that keeps you feeling alive). I made other friends and learned a lot about life and love and what I want out of life (so I thought). After I finished my degree in International Business I decided that wasn't what I wanted to I continued the college lifestyle without the school. I helped my brother, Kirk and Mickie (my sister, now) with their four little ones. Mickie had twins after having two boys. At the time they were born they had four under the age of four! I then went and worked as an assistant for special needs children and loved connecting with them and watching them grow. I decided to go back to get my teaching certificate. I traveled to Spain to see a close friend before they passed on and learned more important lessons in life. The most important thing he said was; "trust in yourself and God will never leave you." Truly revolutionary.

I had to trust in myself. I followed my heart and took a seasonal job in Vermont. That work has proven to be the most beneficial for me spiritually. It was truly a beautiful time of solitude, hard work, friendship and understanding of the simple life. I enjoyed the beauty that nature offered so peacefully and abundantly.

Now, I have been working in a Smoothie Shop in Birmingham, Alabama still trying to make sense of this life. I have secured a job teaching Spanish in Heidelberg, Mississippi and again I am looking into my future with fear and tears. This is another a-pex of life, one where leaving this care-free lifestyle will now be full of responsibility, schedules and big decisions. Here I go, I'm jumping in, maybe I need a push. I'll hold my breath and wait to surface. Do I want to get married, have a house (which I think is a fine resemblance of a box), have children???!!!!

Again, I am lying in bed wondering where I will be in five years, ten... and it scares me!